Kindle Versus Paper

As a writer I have to choose paper, as traditional publishers sell more of my books than Kindle. Yes I know this is not the way things are supposed to be going in this business but it is from where I am. To sell on Kindle I need to be an active marketer which I ain't. All I want to do is write my books.If they don't automatically sell themselves once they've been Kindleised there's  not much more I can do, with me being so useless at this social media lark. This is a pity because as a reader I think Kindle is great. 

         I mentioned this to my wife, Valerie, who's an avid Facebooker. She asked me how long it was since I posted a blog and I said it was some time in 2014 but I got no comments so I gave up bothering. She said blogging isn't about bothering it's all about just sticking your thoughts down somewhere...and that's my problem. I told her that my thoughts are not really for public consumption and she said some people seem to think you’re quite witty, especially the ones who pay you good money for speaking at their dinners. So why not try this wit of yours out on them?  Easier said than done, said I. Making people laugh on the printed page isn't easy. When was the last time you laughed at a joke in a joke book? Humour is all about rythym and timing. I had to agree that I do try and write with that in mind but whether it raises a smile or not is up to the reader. Any humour I write in my books comes direct and unintentionally from my strange mind and has got me into no end of trouble over the years, mind you, it’s also subsided me as a poverty-stricken writer. Oh sod it! Right now going to show off. I did a golf club dinner last Friday where I got a standing ovation followed a couple of days later by this email:

    Dear Ken

I would like to thank you on behalf of Cleckheaton GC for an enjoyable and most entertaining evening. Many positive comments were received and some expressed you are the best guest speaker the club has had in quite some time... A night I will certainly remember and cherish. I hope you continue with your after dinner speaking for years to come - you are clearly gifted. 

If anyone is in the market for a golf club speaker you can check on the similar comments I’ve received over the years on my Speaking page.

   Anyway, back to me writing. I have a saga, NEARLY ALWAYS,  due for publication in  April (Piatkus) and a crime, DEAD OR ALIVE, due out in June and another saga, a WW1 drama called TELL ME IT'S NOT TRUE due out in November. Three books in nine months. Not that I wrote them in nine months...it took me almost two years. In fact right now I'm on with two books: a crime called THE DEFENESTRATION OF JOE SANTIAGO and a saga called ROBBERS RAGS AND RAINBOWS. I'm hoping to have them both finished by the end of the year. 'Why two books at once?'  you might well ask. Well I find that sticking a book away in a drawer for a few months allows me to come back to it with fresh eyes and ideas.

Anyway, back to humour. As I write it occurs to me that I should include an after dinner story with each of my blogs. Okay they may make you wonder why I even get paid much less given a standing ovation.

    Man staggers into a pub with sweat pouring down his face. ‘Good grief!’ says the landlord, you look in a bad way What’s the problem?’

     ‘Oh, I’ve got this woman in the back of my car in your car park,’ says the man. ‘I’ve had her there for five hours and I can’t satisfy her. She’s a real nymphomanic.’

      ‘Tell you what,’ says the landlord, ‘you take over behind the bar for half an hour and I’ll take over in the back of your car.’

       ‘That’s very decent of you,’ says the man.

        ‘Think nothing of it sir. All part of our customer service.’

         So the man takes over behind the bar and the landlord goes to the car. He’s been there about ten minutes when a policeman comes shining his torch in all the cars.

       ‘Hello, hello, hello!’ he says, shining his torch in the back of the car. ‘What do you two think you’re doing in the back of that motor car?’

         ‘It’s all right, officer,’ said the landlord. ‘I’m just making love to my wife.’

         ‘Oh, I’m ever so sorry sir. I didn’t realise it was your wife.’

         ‘No, neither did I, ‘til you shone that bloody torch!’

Usually a winner but remember, ‘its the way you tell ’em.’ I’ll try and remember to do another blog next month, including an after dinner story.